Episode I: The Handsome Menace

Jokraut and I arrived in Rome on September 15th, and once we got settled into our hostel (Happy Days Hostel) and awoke from a much needed nap, it was dinner time.  This may not seem like a big deal when you first hear it, but one must realize that I am now in Italy, home of pasta, and if you know anything about me, you know that I love pasta.

I love pasta

A more accurate description would be an “unhealthy obsession”, and yes it is unhealthy because after I eat a meal of pasta, my stomach typically ends up being stretched out to four times it’s original size….delicious, but unhealthy.  And here I find myself at the center of the pasta universe, right where it all began. So, needless to say, when it was time for dinner, I was excited. We went to a restaurant that our hostel recommended called Amari.  To my astonishment, the food wasn’t all that good. There was lots of it, and it wasn’t bad to the point where I wasn’t going to fill my gullet, but my hopes of consuming the most delicious pasta in the history of the universe were drastically wrecked after eating my weight in bland flavored tortellini, calamari, and chicken for two hours.  However, after we rolled out of the cafe we swore we would eat better tomorrow. And the evening wasn’t over.

gelato

With our four Belgian roommates, we set out for gelato, which I had had in the past in the states and wasn’t too keen on, but had been told that if I didn’t partake while in Italy I would be missing out.  So, we found a gelato place not five minutes from our hostel and I discovered the joy that is gelato.  Truly amazing. And they were giving it away for only two euro. I honestly would have paid five for it. Honestly, that good. And it was from then on that I committed myself to never living a day in Italy without consuming at least one cup of gelato…at least one. Maybe two. Or three. Honestly, that good.

 

The Colosseum

The next day was our first official day in Italy, and we decided that we should see the Colosseum first.  We accompanied our Belgian companions to the train station and finally to the Colosseum itself, which provided tons of breathtaking views. We also shopped at a grocery and bought provisions for a nice picnic before heading to more tourist attractions in the area, including a really old palace and other really old stuff. (As a side note, I would like to point out that Jokraut and I were walking everywhere at a slow pace, but continually found ourselves waiting for the Belgians to catch up. The joke soon became “Belgians….they are a slow people.”) I really enjoyed myself, but my feet were so tired that I needed to eat my weight in pasta…I know that doesn’t really make sense in writing, but it needed to happen in the worst way.  With the memory of the sub par dinner from the night previous still fresh in my mind, Jokraut and I awoke from a much needed nap with a focused determination to find an Italian meal that could live up to my expectations.  We found a place called Cocina Roma.  The items on the menu were pricey, which I thought translated to “we serve delicious food”. So we ordered as much as we could; two courses each. (By the way, that is my favorite part about eating in Italy. It is common to eat more that one course, and when they say “course”, they really mean “meal” because each “course” is a “meal” on it’s own. You can order three “meals” and no one will judge you. I love eating in Italy.)

...they are a slow people

The two courses I ordered were spaghetti with bacon and chicken with a four cheese sauce.  The spaghetti dish came out and it looked and smelled and felt like Jesus had hand made the noodles, then magically boiled and mixed them with heavenly bacon hands, which he then removed and left in the dish for my enjoyment.  Without apprehension, I took my cutlery and proceeded to craft the largest bite that could physically fit onto one fork and dangled the prize in front of my face.  Again, it looked like the cover photo for “Food is Amazing” magazine…not sure if that’s a real magazine, but if it is, this bite was on it! I then closed my eyes and stuffed my face with all of the forks contents…..and gagged on what had to be one of the worst tastes to ever touch the inside of my mouth.  It was pure salt.  Not salty. Not pasta with salt.  Salt.

Mountain of salt

I bit into a great big ball of salt. Salt! They served me salt disguised as delicious food. Jokraut had a great laugh at my expense as I spat and chugged all the wine and water I had in front of me to an attempt to reduce the pain that the salt had caused me.  I made quite the scene. I didn’t care though.  It was salt. And I had bit into it.  I don’t know how else to describe in words  how salty the salt was.  Here’s what you do, readers. Take salt. Or better yet, take a cup, and fill it up with salt.  Then, dump it’s contents into an ice cube tray, put in a touch of water, and then freeze it. Then, fill up the cup again, and stick the cube of salt into your mouth, while pouring the contents of the cup into your mouth simultaneously. Once you have done this, you will then BEGIN to understand what I went through.  Now I won’t say it’s as bad as black pudding, but I will award it with the silver medal in the category of “Worst Thing I’ve Ever Tasted.”

To my eternal delight, the chicken w/four cheese sauce arrived shortly after and proceeded to make all my food-nightmares disappear, and all my food-dreams come true. At the end of the meal, I was still shaken up, so I proceeded to get a cup of gelato….overall, not a bad day. A bit salty.

Salt

Preamble

 

carrot sunblock

 

After 10 very long days, my luggage was finally returned to me, although it’s condition was less than perfect.  I had a full bottle of tanning lotion that broke en route and soaked through most of my things,including my Italian phrase book, some clothes, and random travel memorabilia (ticket stubs, tour pamphlets, maps, etc.), but I still consider myself fortunate because my travel journal and shaver weren’t victims to the attack brought on by the evil, carrot-based SPF 15 sunblock. (“You’ve thwarted my plans again!!” said the sunblock…..personification. I use it.)

I’m very excited to share my travel stories on this blog! I’m thinking that I’m not going to put them all down in one big post because I feel like people would prefer to read each event as it’s own….event. Make sense?

 

Go on, young buck

 

Before I start with Episode One: The Handsome Menace, I would like to inform my readers (all three of you) that these stories are not going to be told chronologically.  After much thought, I’ve decided it’s more fun to take a note from one of my favorite authors (C.S.Lewis) and write the stories without worrying about the actual order of when each event occurred (Chronicles of Narnia).  I’m very fond of the idea of writing these six stories in my own order, while at the same time paying homage to the magnificent work of George Lucas’ Star Wars films.

With that being said, I hope you have as much fun reading these stories as I did in living them.  And please, feel free to comment and subscribe

 

Oh hells yeah....

 

Lost Luggage

I’ve just recently returned to the US after taking a three week adventure with my brother Jokraut. I kept a travel journal during that time because I knew my access to the internet would be scarce, but now that I’m back in the states I want to put the contents of my journal on here.  I’d love to do it now, but on my flight from London to Washington DC, the airline lost my luggage and for the past five days now I’ve been wearing the same clothes, growing a beard, and steadily becoming more and more angry with every day I go without my things. The three main things I miss the most are my cell phone, my shaver, and my travel journal, in that order. So sorry to everyone that I haven’t had the opportunity to call, I promise I’ll call you soon. Yes you! And sorry to everyone that has to see my horrid, hairy face. I promise I’ll fix it soon.

The whole situation really cheeses me off.  Don’t you think that the airline should pay out some sort of compensation?! I mean, my entire life is put on hold because some moron can’t put a bag on a plane. How hard is that? I was three hours early for my flight, and checking my bag was the first thing I did. THAT means they had 180 minutes to put my bag on a plane. Was that not long enough?

Dumb baggage handlers

I know that it was because after I checked my bag, Jokraut checked his bag and his arrived in DC….THEY WERE CHECKED AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!! I don’t understand how that is even possible, for two bags that are checked directly next to each other to not arrive in the same location. Maybe one of the loaders missed the day in loading school when they covered loading.

I’m expecting to receive my lost luggage in a day or two, and as soon as I do, I will immediately call my friends, shave my face, change my clothes, and begin sharing my European adventures on this blog. Stay tuned.

Busy Boy

It has been way too long since my last post, but sometimes life is packed full of so much stuff that writing a blog post just isn’t in the cards. The past two and a half weeks have been some of the busiest I’ve ever had, and the following weeks are sure to be similar.  So, how about a recap:

Last you’d all heard, Jokraut came back from his submarine and we were planning a trip to Vegas. The trip was amazing. They say that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,so I can’t give a lot of details, but I will make the following statements: I enjoy Cirque de Sole. I enjoy alcohol. I enjoy dancing. I enjoy English girls with accents. I enjoy dancing with English girls with accents. That is all.

During our trip to sin city, Todd and I had an audition that went fantastical! I ended up working a night at the Pallazzo doing a dueling piano show with Ben Michaels, and we had a lot of fun. I’m booked to work Vegas throughout the month of October, so if anyone wants to make plans to visit my favorite town, Rocktober is the month to do it!

Once Jokraut and I left Vegas, we returned to Poulsbo, Washington to pack up all of his belongings so we could start our epic journey accross the United States to DC. My bro works for the navy, and has been restationed there, so I had to step in and say “I’m going to drive the 17-footer 3000 miles! I get to! I get to!”….that is not how that went at all…..We drove 16 hours each day for three days until we made it to Michigan, where my buddy was getting married. I was given the duty of best man, so once the ceremony and speech were done with, I let my hair down and danced till they kicked us out. It honestly was one of the best parties I’ve ever been to. Congrats Shari and Aaron!!!!

Jokraut and I recovered then hit the road to finish our trip at the nation’s capitol. We got here Tuesday, found a place Friday, moved in Saturday, and today is Sunday.  A lot of other stressful things happened throughout the course of this whole ordeal, but I’d rather not discuss them because I may cry.  It really was terrible. Advise for people moving: leave yourself a lot of time to find a place.  We had to rush because earlier in the week, we both bought plane tickets to Italy, which departs this Tuesday (two days!!) at 6:00pm.  Needless to say, we were scrambling around the entire DC/Arlington/Alexandria area, desperately searching for an apartment that could move us in asap.  We finally found one, and now we are unpacking his stuff/packing up stuff for Europe.  The trip is scheduled to last two weeks, in which time we hope to visit Rome, Palermo, Venice, and as much of Greece as we can fit in.  We’ll see how it goes. Don’t worry Mom, I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures

I’ll be keeping a travel journal during this trip, but sadly my blog will have to suffer. I plan on putting some journal excerpts into my blog upon my return, but the three people that read this blog will have to wait until I get back. So Mom, Dad, and random person who found this site on accident, I’m sorry…..you’ll just have to wait.

Happy Post

Sometimes, life gives you lemons.  When it does, it is said that you should make lemonade.  But what do you do when life gives you lemonade?  When that happens, I say make a lemonade stand so you can share your delicious beverage with passersby.  That is what this post is all about: the good fortune that has befallen me this past week.  It starts with an amazing trip to Oregon.  The nine hour car ride from Boise to Ashland was surprisingly easy, although there was a small hiccup in the beginning when Todd’s unbelievably stinky feet contaminated the car’s atmosphere, and then when he tried to fix the problem, he just so happened to lower the window while we were driving through the ass-crack of Idaho which smelled exactly like Cook’s Dairy farm (hometown reference) after they served the cattle burritos and baked beans….worst smell ever. However, once the smoke cleared, the journey was enjoyable.  The gig that we were headed too came about because of a very lucky run-in we had earlier in April at Chopstix when Todd and I met these three cool Oregonian girls that wanted to hear our band in their town.  We found a venue in town and four months later, poof! We were there.  The show at Cardela’s Ale House was by far our best show to date! We opened with a dueling piano show, then invited Miguel and Ivan up to do seven original band numbers, and finished off the night with an all request hour! It was an amazing time! The best part for me was that the Oregon-girls had listened to our album beforehand, and when we started playing, they were singing along to every word!!! I’m used to people singing along to the Top 40 tunes I play for dueling shows, but the sight of people singing along to my songs is my new addiction. (So long, sour patch kids!!!) Afterward, we went drinking and dancing with the best fans in the world!!! Sorry Lady Gaga, but Roaming Royalty’s peeps are better than yours

My week got even better when I received a phone call from my brother, Jokraut! He works for the navy on a submarine, and he finally resurfaced after three months of sailing about the Pacific Ocean.  He also surprised my by booking a flight out to Las Vegas to meet up with me for a four day extravaganza.  Oh wait. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, I’m going to be gigging in my favorite city in the world, Las Vegas!  We leave tomorrow, and I’m so excited I think I need a pee-break. K, now I’m back. So I’m going to be in my favorite city with my favorite person….it doesn’t get any better than that. Or does it….YES IT DOES!! We (Roaming Royalty) just finished recording four new tracks for our next album. Todd invited some of his friends to lay down some tracks, and his friends just so happen to be some of the best musicians in the country, nay the world!!! Big thank you to AudioLab for hooking us up with a great studio, and also to all of the amazing musical geniuses I met the past two days; Pat, Corey, Ned, Thomas, and Pete. You guys rock so hard, it hurts to talk about!

Recap: Played our best show to date, had fans sing along to original tunes, recorded new tracks for the new album, going to my favorite place, and has plans to meet up with my long lost brother.  This is my lemonade, friends. Drink up.

Drunk fatty on a pole

I know the title kinda gives it all away, and maybe you’re thinking there’s more to this than meets the eye, but no, that pretty much sums it up.  Our band was playing a gig at the Grail in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho, this huge venue with a ginormous stage and epic sound system.  If there had been more than 15 people there, I would have been a total rockstar.  As it was, I only got to pretend I was a rockstar, which was just as fun.  At the end of our second song, there was no applause, so I shouted as loud as I could, “THANK YOU, COEUR D’ALENE!!!!”. We had a good laugh.

Our entire set went really well.  Our best set to date, in my opinion.  As a bonus, the Grail recorded our show and gave us a live version on CD.  Pretty cool. The levels aren’t mixed, but Todd thinks we can fix it up on the computer.  It’s pretty exciting because now we can offer to give away a free live CD whenever someone buys some of our merch….boom.

So the group after us was called Rockoon, a rockin’ two piece that sounded really good, especially for just a drummer and guitarist.  As their set raged on, we noticed this lovely young lady stumbling about the place.  We were being barraged by this talkaholic of a bartender (who mumbled off all his Vietnam stats, property specs, family tree, etc.) and he inserted a tidbit on how much the drunk lady had drunk.  Apparently, they sell liquor by the bucket.  Yes, the bucket. They take a bucket and fill it with liquor. Are you understanding this?  You walk to the bar and say, “I’ll have a bucket of liquor”, and they actually give it to you….amazing.  Anyway, this princess had consumed two buckets.  When I heard that, I remember thinking, “She doesn’t look like a cheap date by any means, but even that amount sounds extreme.”  As if on cue, miss fancy flopped herself atop the stripper table, looking more like a beached walrus than a dancer-for-money.  The small island of a table stood four feet high, and had a circumference of one of this lady’s fat asses. Watching her attempt to grind and spin on this apparatus was just as terrifying as it was humorous.  If she had fallen, she would have surely busted her head wide open, but no one could move to aid her.  The audience was stunned in awe.

This girl = Walrus

Even the band was staring, allowing this large mammal to take all the attention the room had to offer and place it on her wide, wide shoulders.  Luckily (or maybe unluckily), the dancing ended without a crash landing, and the loudest applause that venue had ever seen was given to the only jaw-dropping act to grace a stage that night. She will open for us in the future.

I bet she took percussion in middle school…

So it’s been a while since my last post, but it’s only because I’ve been super busy with the move. It’s official though. We’ve moved out of the house and are currently staying in Idaho with our new RV.  And the band tour has officially started as well.  My band mate Todd had his birthday on the 11th, and since he’s from Boise we thought it’d be appropriate to play our first gig there. So the morning of, we woke up at the butt-crack of dawn and hit the road, knocking out an eight hour drive like it was nothing…well, not like it was nothing. It was Todd and me, plus our guitarist Miguel, and our brand new drummer, Ivan, who is only filling in for us for the next week or so.  But both these guys are extremely talented, so I was pumped for our first show, even though we had only had two rehearsals and I’d ony known Ivan for three days.  That all changed during the car ride when we all talked and talked and they both farted and farted.  I suppose it shouldn’t shock me since I was raised with three older brothers, but it had been a while since I’d been around that kind of aroma.  Thanks guys.

So the show in Boise started at 9pm with a group called Well Suited, and they were amazing! They had a drummer, bass, lead, and keyboard along with a four-piece string setup, and their sound was great! They’re in the middle of recording their album, and I can’t wait to buy one.  Then we started at 10pm and played an hour set. It was tons of fun and I think the show went very well.  Last up was Mend, a three piece who does electronic dance music. Awesome!

So everyone was going to bed, but since it was Todd’s birthday, I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that we had to go to Torch….a gentlmen’s club.  Now, in Idaho, they have this law where the talent isn’t allowed to show any of the goods, so I still felt like my integrity was in tact.  Once we arrived there, we sat up at the main stage and started having a good loud time! At some point in the night, I had put a few dollars up front, so this lovely young lady came towards me and proceeded to put her hind-quarters about two feet away from my face.  Now since this was a respectable venue, I didn’t feel offended by this gesture.  What happened next was quite suprising, however.  She started flexing each individual butt cheek to a different tempo.  Her syncopation wasn’t exactly on point, so I proceeded to lean over to Todd and say “I bet she took percussion in middle school.”  I don’t think we’ve ever laughed so hard, because she was still right there, attempting the first and only ass-paradiddle I ever care to see.

I’m being bugged to play Wii with Phae, so I’m going to have to fill you all in at a later time.  Wish us luck on our show tonight at the Grail!